Best Gimmick Ever: And the Winner is...

We go to you live from Parts Unknown for the semi-finals and finals of the “Best Gimmick Ever” tournament where we will make history by the end of the night.

Championship Final Odds from Vegas
Hogan V Hogan 2-1
Savage V Hogan 4-1
Savage V Hall 8-1

As I’ve done the entire tournament, let’s get right to the action.

1. Hollywood Hogan VERSUS 6. Scott Hall
A battle for supremacy of the N.W.O. This would be the perfect way to force the group to break up and I suppose it’s the only way to do it. The group split completely in half before the two went to the ring.

With mixed emotions on the outside, the fight ensued. The two quite aged wrestlers grappled around for a while, not impressing the crowd with their in-ring ability.

Both took every chance they could to cheat each other out of the match but in the end Hollywood was just too much. Hogan nailed Hall in the head with the N.W.O. branded title belt he had and pinned him for the win.

Hollywood Hogan Advances

1. Hulk Hogan VERSUS 2. Macho Man Randy Savage
Well, if the two 90s’ icons did battle in our opener, what’s better than two stars from the previous decade meeting in the other match?

What a story. Two former tag team partners turned nemesis. These two actually did wrestle at Wrestlemania V in an excellent main event that I believe Hogan won, but nothing can compare to the “Best Gimmick Ever” tournament.

The two traded 80s’ style punches and Hogan even threw Savage right into famous referee Earl Hebner. Being the sneak that he always was, Savage thought about hitting Hogan with the bell he stole from the “Fink” but then had a change of heart.

He wanted to win this war fair and square.

But Hogan wouldn’t budge. He began to hulk up and soon took the upper hand. Big leg kick, body slam, leg drop and the stumbling Hebner counted to three.

Hulk Hogan Advances

Best Gimmick Ever Finals
1. Hollywood Hogan VERSUS 1. Hulk Hogan
The ultimate battle of good and evil. You had to see this one coming.
Growing up, I worshipped the Hulkster. Like the Macho Man wrestling buddy I mentioned earlier in the tournament, I also had a Hogan won. He was everything any kid could want to be, minus the steroids and wearing tights.

But as I got older my interest in wrestling began falling, Hogan went heel, which was the greatest move in the history of wrestling. All of a sudden, I was swearing at my parents and breaking things.

The impact these two had on pop culture is amazing. To think, they were the same people

The match obviously wasn’t a very exciting one. The two possessed the same moves and could barely climb to the second turnbuckle without falling over so it was a slow fight.

But that aura was there. That you know something crazy is going to happen feeling was in the air. Not exactly the perfect game or walk off home run feeling, more like the I’m going to see an umpire get beat up feeling.

As he had done the whole tournament, Hollywood tried to cheat. But when he went at the red and yellow version of himself, he attempt to knock him out with a bat backfired.

Soon the Hulkster was angry and began to take over. But the deciding factor was the people on the outside. When Scott Hall, there to support Hollywood despite being screwed by him jumped on the apron, Hogan tried to push him away.

Out of Hollywood’s tights came brass knuckles and BANG (think old school Batman) the Hulkster was out cold.

1… awfully slow count….2…….just end the match already…….. 3.

Hollywood Hogan is the winner of the “Best Gimmick Ever” Contest.

:: cue the N.W.O. song ::

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Best Gimmick Ever: Elite Eight

What a tremendous way to move on with this tournament. It’s fairly ironic that Ready to Rumble, one of those movies you won’t admit to ever watching -much less enjoying- was on TBS while I wrote this.

Interesting that the four matches in this group appear to all be first time matches. That was not a set up, I swear.

1. Bret Hart VERSUS 2. Macho Man Randy Savage (with Ms Elizabeth)
Two wrestling icons. I can’t think of a better match. Both had such an impact on my child hood.

I can’t lie. Bret is my favorite wrestler of all time. He showed me pink is okay for guys to like. I used to go to wrestling events at the New Haven Coliseum decked out in the pink glasses, a title belt, and a Hart t-shirt.

On the other hand, I had a Macho Man wrestling buddy that I even used to let beat me sometimes, simply out of respect.

To decide this match, I had to go to the wrestling figures.

I rounded up the boys that were locked somewhere in my closet and threw them all in the fake ring that I got when I was seven. I decided that I would flip the ring over, like I used to do with pretend Royal Rumbles, and the one who stayed in would be the winner.

Sadly, regrettably, terribly, much to my dismay, three were left. This isn’t going where you think it is. Two were the Bushwhackers because there arms always caught on to the ropes. The other was the Macho Man.

We’ll say that Savage pinned Bret, and the two shook hands afterwards because the match was just that good.

Macho Man Advances

1. Hulk Hogan VERSUS 3. Mr. Perfect
Hogan and Perfect traded leverage throughout this match. Hogan was on a rush from having a weak road to get in to this tournament, and was facing his first real challenge in the tournament.

Perfect was overmatched in most categories, most namely size and popularity, but as I mentioned early on, it’s hard not to like Mr. Perfect when you think about those ridiculous commercials he used to have.

Being perfect just wasn’t enough in this one however. In the end, Hogan was just too strong to lose.

Besides, what’s a tournament without Hulkamania at least in the final four?

Hogan Advances

1. Shawn Michaels VERSUS 6. Scott Hall
So my favorite wrestler lost and now I get a chance to play Vince McMahon.

Shawn thought he was going to win this match. Hall may have had the N.W.O. in his corner but they were all friends with Michaels as well.

Or so we thought.

Through orders of me, the group attacked Michaels, beating him to oblivion. Somehow through all of this, the referee was knocked out and didn’t know what was going on.

Hall pinned Michael’s for the upset.

Scott Hall Advances

1. Hollywood Hogan VERSUS 6. The Berzerker
Pick your sides. Two N.W.O. originals will go at it in the final four.

The Berzerker was a relative unknown. In fact it came to my attention just recently that I was spelling his name wrong the whole tournament.

The great story had to come to an end sometime.

Hogan didn’t even need to cheat to win this one as he pounded the mountain man.

Hogan Advances

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Best Gimmick Ever: Sweet 16

The tension is beginning to build now. After this posting, only eight competitors in the “Best Gimmick Ever” contest will be left. We have some fantastic matches set up the rest of the way, so let’s get right to it.

In Bracket A, the final will be top seeded Hulk Hogan facing third seeded Mr. Perfect for the right to go to the final four.

Hogan defeated his best friend, Brutus “the barber” Beefcake in an interesting match. The two clearly had a mutual respect for each other at the start, but that quickly changed. Jimmy Hart was in the corner of Brutus and despite being fond of Hogan, knocked him over the head with his megaphone.

Hogan managed to just keep his arm up when he was in barber’s sleeper hold and began to hulk up. Before long, Hogan hit Brutus with a big drop kick and pinned him to advance.

Sting became the third number two seed to be eliminated in the tournament after Perfect handled him with relative ease.

The Bracket B final will be one for the ages.

Bret “the hitman” Hart defeated Razor Ramon after being punished throughout the match. The excellence of execution was not superior in this one, but a small package rollup won the match for him.

Macho Man Randy Savage eliminated the Million Dollar Man to set up the all time battle with Hart.

Savage refused to throw the match after being offered money by Dibiase and survived despite being heckled throughout the match by Virgil. Before long, Macho Man hit his patented flying elbow and pinned Dibiase for the win.

Having already eliminated his buddy Kevin Nash, top seeded Shawn Michaels will now get a chance to end the run of the other outsider, Scott Hall.

Michaels ended any chance of an upset by Smash from Demolition with a super kick to the face.

The Rock was not as lucky.

Hall used every dirty trick in the book and in the end, it was too much for the fan favorite.

The N.W.O. was in the ring celebrating but not for long. Their leader, Hollywood Hogan still had a match.

Hogan didn’t need any help in knocking out Crush to further the notion that he might face his original gimmick in the finals.

Hollywood will face the story of the tournament, The Berserker. The Berserker continued his over the top dominance of the competition by eliminating Mick Foley via his trademark, the count out.

The Round of Eight
1. Hulk Hogan V 3. Mr. Perfect
1. Bret Hart V 2. Macho Man
1. Shawn Michaels V 6. Scott Hall
1. Hollywood Hogan V 6. The Berserker

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Random Rumblings 12/25

• Has anyone ever been to a Sonic restaurant? Is there such a thing? I see these commercials popping up more and more and there isn’t a Sonic in all of New England. If CBS is going to force me to watch the AFC East every week, the least they could do is advertise places I might actually see in my lifetime. I mean people in San Diego don’t have to watch Jim Calhoun’s Webster Bank commercials do they?
  
• Speaking of San Diego, what a choke act they pulled this season. Three weeks ago, everyone penciled them in for an AFC championship game, now they won’t even be in the playoffs.
  
• If Larry Johnson played a full season, he would have run for 2000 yards and scored 30 touchdowns.
  
• Here’s a wild prediction: The Washington Redskins will go to the Super Bowl... and get beat by three touchdowns.
  
• Was I the only person that didn’t know how terribly spoken Johnny Damon is? I watched that press conference on the YES network, he said “ya know” and “uhhh” about thirty times each.
  
• If the Blue Jays get Troy Glaus and he stays healthy, he is going to hit 35 homeruns and make the Jays a contender.
  
• If you were the Chicago Cubs, would you really trade Mark Prior or Carlos Zambrano?
  
• I can’t wait for Gonzaga @ Memphis on Tuesday night. Adam Morrison draws Larry Bird comparisons from NBAdraft.net and the Tigers have become my favorite team not named UConn. Expect Memphis to dominate.
  
• Speaking of Connecticut, Marcus Williams won’t be as big of a factor for the Huskies as people think. UConn has actually been more efficient with Craig Austrie running the point.
  
• Be patient with Isiah Thomas Knicks fans. Channing Frye and Eddy Curry are talented young big men and once they get a couple of guys who can defend, they will be okay. They should get a lottery pick this year too… oh wait.
  
  Lastly, I want to wish all readers and their families a very Merry Christmas. Have a good holiday.

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Best Gimmick Ever: Round 2

For the second round, I decided to move to a different format just to get things moving. Instead of going over each match, I am just going to analyze each bracket.

Bracket A - Click to View
The top four seeds remain unscathed after advancing into the sweet 16 today. Hulk Hogan handled the NWO version of Ted Dibiase with the ease that a top seed should. Hogan looks to be a favorite considering the fact that he has barely broken a sweat in two rounds.

Hogan’s opponent in the round of sixteen will be close friend Brutus “the barber” Beefcake. The barber ended any hopes of the RepoMan stealing a spot in the next round.

The lower half of the bracket had two very interesting matchers. Mr. Perfect was able to advance after beating Sid Justice in one of the better matches in the tournament so far. Perfect will face Sting in the third round.

Sting overcame Lex Luger’s steal plated forearm to win their match.

Bracket B - Click to View
The top seeds continued the trend in the second slate of matches. Bret “the hitman”Hart cruised over Bob “sparkplug” Holly.

Hart’s opponent will be “The Bad Guy” Razor Ramon, who defeated fifth seeded Papa Shango.

Macho Man Randy Savage had an easy time defeating Mabel and moved on the face the Million Dollar Man, who had already advanced in the tournament.

Bracket C – Click to View
Finally a bracket that doesn’t go completely as planned.

The top seed Shawn Michaels facing ninth seeded Kevin Nash had all the makings of a historic match up. (Quick note, many readers felt that seeding Nash ninth was unfair.)

The show stopper was able to overcome a far stronger Nash and move on. He’ll face Smash from Demolition who advanced through because of a first round disqualification of HHH and “black & white” Sting.

The other half of the Outsiders was able to advance through however as Scott Hall pummeled the lower seeded 123 Kid.

The final match of the bracket saw The Rock move on. He defeated the Hawaiian version of Crush.

Bracket D – Click to View
I did mention this during round one but I’ve still caught a ton of flack for this group being so weak. It appears that Hollywood Hogan has a clear path to the final four.

All I can say is watch out for The Berserker.

Hogan did move on after dismantling “Hardcore” Holly. I could see where Holly might give the face version of Hogan problems, but the bad guy version matches his toughness.

Two of the three former members of Demolition have now advanced as Crush pulled a mild upset over Earthquake.

Both members for The Natural Disasters were then eliminated when the Cinderella of the tournament, The Berserker, defeated Typhoon.

In the final match of the night, Mick Foley became the last member to join the sweet 16 when he beat the Big Bossman.

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Baseball's Watergate Marred Sports' 2005

Sports fans will forever remember 2005.

Teams made history.

In a sport that wants to be known for its parity, a dynasty flourished in New England. Southern California fielded arguably the greatest college football team of all time. Not since 1917 had a baseball team in Chicago been world champion.

Individuals made history.

Lance Armstrong won his seventh consecutive Tour de France, and then retired. Danica Patrick became the first woman ever to lead a lap in the Indianapolis 500. Lebron became Oscar Robertson. At 81-4, Roger Federer became the best male tennis player ever. Peyton Manning out threw Dan Marino.

Unfortunately, twenty, forty, even sixty years from now, only baseball will be remembered.

Our national past time ruined history.

Thursday’s in mid-March are supposed to be about one thing: The NCAA Tournament. But instead of watching Wisconsin-Milwaukee stun Alabama this year, I was tuned in to ESPN News for coverage of baseball’s steroid scandal.

It was a long time coming. For the past few years, speculation was building. Offensive output exploded. Records were broken. Suspicion had set in.

Then Jose Canseco, an admitted steroid user, released a book that changed the game.

Canseco indicted several current and former players, airing out all of baseball’s dirty laundry in the process. Most notably, he wrote that he had injected Mark McGwire with steroids more than one time.

The world listened, Canseco got paid, and Congress stepped in.

They called on a host of people to testify. Canseco, McGwire and Sammy Sosa all ruined their reputations forever.

Only one player, Rafael Palmeiro, gave a convincing and motivating testimony. He pointed his finger and shouted that he had never used a steroid.

Four months later, he was caught cheating.

How deceiving.

That’s the problem with the game. We just can’t trust the players anymore. How will I someday be able to look my children in the face and tell them that the homerun chase of 1998 was real? Was it real? I can’t even answer that.

Twelve major leaguers were suspended in total this year for using. I have no reason not to believe that plenty got by. But the one that really sticks out is Palmeiro. He’s had one of the ten greatest careers in the history of the game, but my kids won’t hear that from me.

Yes indeed, sports fans will forever remember 2005.

Even if they wish to forget it.

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Best Gimmick Ever: Day 5

The tournament should move much quicker after today as the first round has been pretty long and grueling.

By my mistake, this is clearly the weakest bracket. But let’s go to ringside anyway…

1. Hollywood Hogan VERSUS 16. Brooklyn Brawler
If you’re wondering why Hogan is a one seed twice, it’s because he probably has had the biggest impact on the fans of any wrestler. I mean here’s someone I worshipped because he was such a good guy and then as soon as I hit my rebellious stage, so did he! Good times.

The Brooklyn Brawler defined your typical Yankee fan, sauce stains on the shit and all. He had a great gimmick but this match was over quick.

Hogan Advances

8. Hardcore Holly VERSUS 9. IRS
Another “get up and stretch” match. IRS had a pretty cool gimmick but he used that briefcase far too much. After realizing he couldn’t beat Holly by outwrestling him, IRS hit Holly over the head.

The referee happened to see this and disqualified IRS.

Holly Advances

5. Crush VERSUS 12. Dean Douglas
This is the “Demolition” version of Crush facing the former school teacher gimmick. Douglas wrestled when the WWF began really losing the ratings wars with WCW and so anything he did was really irrelevant.

Crush has Mr. Fuji in his corner which helps. Plus he is much scarier. Crush wins this one easily.

Crush Advances

4. Earthquake VERSUS 13. Dustin Rhodes
This match is pretty obvious. One half of the Natural Disasters facing a guy who could never get it right. Earthquake used to jump up and down in the ring and sit on people. Dustin played a guy who wore lipstick in his other gimmick.

Rhodes just couldn’t handle the bigger strong Earthquake.

Earthquake Advances

6. The Berserker VERSUS 11. Jacque Rougeau
If I were just basing this tournament solely on character and not taking what he did in wrestling into account, The Berserker would win. He was a mix between Brendan Fraser’s character in “Encino Man” and Fred Flintstone.

Rougeau was just a tag team wrestler that would get better when he was by himself as “The Mountie.”

Berserker throws Rougeau over the top rope and Rougeau is counted out.

Berserker Advances

3. Typhoon VERSUS 14. Blue Blazer
The Natural Disasters move to 2-0 in the tournament thus far. Facing one of wrestling’s favorite jobbers, Typhoon throws around the Blazer and the match ends quickly.

Typhoon Advances

7. Godfather VERSUS 10. Big Bossman
The jail guard from Cobb County, Georgia facing a pimp. Come on now, the cop always wins this battle.

Bossman needed to cheat a little however, hitting the Godfather in the head with his baton. The Godfather was knocked unconscious and the Bossman pinned him.

Bossman Advances

2. Mick Foley VERSUS 15. Rick Martel
Remember the year that Iowa State was a seeded a little too high and lost to the fifteenth seeded Hampton.

That’s Mick Foley…. Kind of.

Foley is definitely seeded too high but even a perfume spraying in the face could help the model win this match.

Foley Advances

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Two Looks at the Damon Signing

Excuse the political incorrectness, but Jesus has made a pact with the Devil.

Word is out that Johnny Damon will sign a four year, 52 million dollar contract with the New York Yankees to become their new center fielder.

Due to the outcry I received from Red Sox fans and the joyousness in Yankee camp (11 instant messages and an e-mail), I’ve decided to take a look at the signing from both point of views.

There is no question that Damon will be a huge upgrade from the disaster that was Bernie Williams/Bubba Crosby last year.

Jeter and Alex Rodriguez can move back a spot in the batting order where they belong and the Yankees lineup from top to bottom just gets more terrifying.

As many have pointed out, on opening day, the Yankees will take the field with three certain Hall of Famers, eight perennial all stars, and one future all star in Robinson Cano.

Although only Bernie rivals his arm in the “who has the weakest arm?” debate, Damon has outstanding range in the outfield. He will be able to go get balls that Williams fell asleep on.

Here’s a scary picture. In the playoffs needing a run, Damon gets a hit followed by an always perfect Jeter bunt. Runner on second with Rodriguez and Sheffield coming to bat. You do the math.

From the Red Sox perspective, the Yankees overspent to get Damon, something that was expected but will hurt them in the future. His greatest tool is speed and by the last year of his contract, he will lose much of that ability.

Factoring in his age and the fact that last season was one of his best; I wouldn’t expect Damon to perform any better than he ever did for the Sox.

Sorry Yankee fans, 150 runs scored just won’t happen. Damon doesn’t get on base enough to be driven in that many times. He only recorded 53 walks last season and has continually been just barely over the league average when it comes to OBP.

Boston fans should take solace in the fact that now the Red Sox can go out and trade for Seattle Mariner center fielder Jeremy Reed, a player they covet. He struggled last year but is just 24 and projects to be an all star some day.

Overall, the immediate impact will hurt the Red Sox more than it will help the Yankees.

The Sox will not be able to replace what Damon brought to the table initially, but not having to pay him and the hopeful emergence of a younger center fielder will benefit them in the future.

As for the Yankees, they have once again one-upped their rivals.

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Sophomore Class Has Top Guards

Shaun Livingston and Sebastian Telfair may have been the first point guards to make the jump straight from high school to the NBA, but the class of 2004 was far deeper than just two.

The group –now college sophomores– is making that clear this season.

Seven top 25 teams, including three in the top five, are lead by second year guards that will all soon join their counterparts in the NBA.

If Livingston and Telfair were at the head of their respective class, Memphis’ point guard Darius Washington Jr. wasn’t far behind.

Washington is best known for the foul shots he missed that cost the Tigers a trip to the NCAA tournament last season, but now he is the star of the nation’s fourth ranked team.

Despite battling an injury, Washington is averaging 14 points and 4 assists per game, while shooting a crisp 41 percent from three point range.

Staying in the top five, Villanova guard Kyle Lowry and Florida’s Taurean Green are also making major impacts for seemingly certain final four contenders.

Like Washington, Lowry has battled an injury early on but is a part of a special team that head coach Jay Wright has developed. The Wildcats throw four guards on the floor almost all of the time and play a tenacious defense, Lowry’s specialty.

Green, who is the son of former UNLV star Sidney Green, has shot the lights out for a surprising Florida team.

The 6’ 177lb guard is shooting 85 percent from the foul line and 45 percent from beyond the arc, including ten in two days against Wake Forest and Syracuse at the Coaches Versus Cancer Classic.

Jordan Farmar is leading the resurgence of UCLA basketball. The 6’2 guard is averaging over 16 points and 6 assists per game and seems to play better as the game gets bigger.

Farmer dropped 28 on Memphis earlier this season and scored 24 and 21 in recent victories over Nevada and Michigan.

Michigan State’s Drew Neitzel might be the best true point guard of the entire group. It’s become a cliché but this kid refuses to lose. Some believe his court awareness rivals that of any player in the country.

Daniel Gibson’s team received all of the pre season hype and despite recent losses, he is leading Texas to an impressive season.

Gibson contemplated entering the NBA draft last season but decided to stick around and play in one of the nation’s best backcourts.

Rajon Rondo received a ton of recognition this summer when he was the only player of the seven to make the under 21 national team.

He is currently averaging just under 17 points per game and like Farmar, plays better under pressure. Rondo torched Louisville for 25 points in Kentucky’s win on Saturday and scored 20 in a loss to defending national champion North Carolina.

All in all, it’s a good bet that at least one of these (excuse the Dick Vitale reference) sensational sophomores will help their team on deep run though the NCAA tournament in March.

To think, what if Livingston (Duke) and Telfair (Louisville) followed through on their commitments?

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Best Gimmick Ever: Day 4

Moving right along. We are now into the third bracket of the first round.

By tomorrow, we will have completed the first round and move right into the second phase. After that, the tournament should move quickly, ending just after Christmas.

1. Shawn Michaels VERSUS 16. John Nord
The Heartbreak Kid gets the easiest opponent of all first round matches facing a guy I never saw wrestle. (Nord had to be picked because his other character, The Berserker, is just too good to pass up.)

Considering that there might be five people in history that saw Nord fight, we’ll assume that Michaels coasts to victory.

Michaels Advances

8. Big Show VERSUS 9. Kevin Nash
Two big men who will pose a major challenge in round two.

The Big Show’s character is poorly used in the WWE so he is undervalued while Nash was one of the best wrestlers in the WCW/NOW.

Nash takes the battle of the big men because of outside interference from the NWO. We’ll say the Big Show takes a spray paint can to the face. Nash pins him for the victory.

Nash Advances

5. Triple H VERSUS 12. Sting (Black & White)
A huge turn of events in that match!

After Sting hits HHH with his bat when the referee isn’t looking, the match looks over. But miraculously, HHH kicks out of the pin.

The two wrestle for a little while and soon, HHH has control of the bout. However, he goes under the ring to grab his sledgehammer and tries to attack Sting. Sting grabs his bat and proceeds to go out HHH.

Realizing he has lost total control, the referee stops the match, disqualifying both competitors.

No One Advances

4. Sid Vicious VERSUS 13. Smash
I would assume that Vicious would be an overwhelming favorite in this one but Smash had a secret weapon in manager Mr. Fuji.

Vicious dominates the entire match, seemingly throwing Smash around at will. Right as Sid is about to execute the power bomb, Fuji leaves his cane in the corner and jumps on the mat and begins to distract the referee.

Sid decides to go after the manager and Smash picks up the cane and whacks in his opponent in the head. Smash pulls the upset.

Smash Advances

6. Scott Hall VERSUS 11. Kane
Another really nice first round match up.

Hall and Kane take it to each other from the beginning. Hall takes the match after pull a low blow on Kane. Hall uses the Razor’s Edge and takes the match.

Hall Advances

3. Mankind VERSUS 14. 123 Kid
In my opinion, this is the biggest upset of the whole tournament. Just the way he debuted in the WWF, the kid pulls a small package and rolls up the deranged one for a stunning victory.

123 Kid Advances

7. Lex Luger VERSUS 10. Crush (Hawaiian)
One of those boring matches. This is a WCW Lex Luger who always battled injuries against the less-cool version of crush.

Crush wins the match after Luger taps out from his full-nelson type finishing move.

Crush Advances

2. The Rock VERSUS 15. Curt Hennig
As you would expect, Hennig is no match for The Rock.

The Rock runs away with this one.

Rock Advances

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No Defending Lebron Anymore

The Cleveland Cavaliers are reeling again and for the first time ever, I’m doubting Lebron James.

The fact is it’s his fault.

Let me clarify. James has most certainly lived up to all the hype. He is that rare breed of unbelievable talent and immeasurable charisma.

A real life Jesus Shuttlesworth. James has more physical talent than Michael ever had.

But Jordan played defense. More important, Jordan’s teams played defense.

So why is Lebron to blame for Cleveland’s recent tail spin?

It was James who handpicked this team. It was James who wanted to play along side his friend Damon Jones. It was James who sought Larry Hughes after Michael Redd resigned with Milwaukee.

Unfortunately for the Cavs, Jones just isn’t a point guard. He doesn’t distribute the ball well and only wants to sit in the corner and throw up 25 footers. A few weeks ago against the Sonics on ESPN, there was a stretch that Jones shot from beyond the arc on four out five possessions.

Oh yea, he can’t defend either.

In his last game, Jones seemed to be helpless as Tyronn Lue torched the Cavaliers for 20 points.

As for Hughes, he has yet to live up to the Scottie Pippen-esq hype he received when he signed in July. His scoring, field goal percentage, rebounds and assists are all down.

Yes, you guessed it. His steals are down as well and he has never been able completely lock down a player anyways.

Then you have James himself.

He has the court vision of Magic and can score like Jordan, but he just can’t mark his guy.

It all equates to a team who can generate plenty of offense and offer very little on the other end.

Until they can, the Cavs will just be mediocre and Lebron will deservedly be facing the heat.

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Best Gimmick Ever: Day 3

We move right into the second bracket with eight matches on the card today.

1. Bret “the hit man” Hart VERSUS Vincent (NWO)
Sadly, Vincent/Virgil becomes the first to have both of his gimmicks eliminated. Even worse, both were measly 16 seeds.

The excellence of execution handled Vincent the way a one seed should, with easy. Bret Quickly applied the sharpshooter and Vince tapped out.

Bret Hart Advances

8. Rocky Miavia VERSUS 9. Bob “sparkplug” Holly
Two very mediocre gimmicks. Rocky was in his pre-eyebrow raise days and was actually hated by the crowed. (Think “Die Rocky Die”)

The sparkplug was pretty bad himself but considering he was man enough to pretend to a race car driving wrestler, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

In one of those matches that you head to the refreshment stands during, Holly hits Miavia with whatever his finishing move was, probably a drop kick and pins him for the victory.

Bob Holly Advances

5. Papa Shango VERSUS 12. Doink
Say what you want about Papa Shango being a five seed, but the man made Ultimate Warrior throw up green slime. He carried a skull with him. He haunted my dreams for a solid year and that isn’t a lie.

What can you say about Doink? Not much of a wrestler but a great character, especially when he was evil Doink.

The voodoo was too much for the clown in this one and Papa Shango moves on.

Papa Shango Advances

4. Razor Ramon VERSUS 13. Golddust
The “Bad Guy” makes his return in this one facing the strange Golddust character. I was never sure of whether he was supposed to some type of gay wrestler or if he just enjoyed wearing lipstick.

Ramon could have wrestled with the toothpick in his mouth but instead tossed it at Golddust before the match began.

Quickly, Ramon hits the Razor’s Edge and pins Goldust using his feet, the ultimate sign of embarrassment.

Razor Ramon Advances

6. The Giant (WCW) VERSUS 11. Rikishi
The first strange twist of the entire tournament. With the Million Dollar Man watching with an intent eye, the two big men looked more like heavy weight boxers than wrestlers the way they held each other the entire match.

At the nine minute mark, Howard Finkel announced there was just one minute remaining but neither wrestler showed any sense of urgency.

Turns out, Ted Dibiase paid off each wrestler to take the count out and there was no winner.

Double Count out, No one Advances

3. Million Dollar Man VERSUS 14. Zodiac
Everybody has a price.

What a break for Ted Dibiase. As an overwhelming favorite to win the match, he could advance right into the sweet 16.

That’s exactly what happened as the Million Dollar Man defeated Brutus “the barber” Beefcake’s other gimmick

Million Dollar Man Advances

7. The Mountie VERSUS 10. Mable
Two of my all time favorite characters. The Canadian with a taser and the big purple giant who was one half of M.O.M.

The Mountie tried his little tricks but Mable was far too big and the match was soon over.

Mable Advances

2. Macho Man VERSUS Koko B. Ware
Koko’s bird couldn’t help him in this one.

In the final match of the second bracket, the WWF version of the Macho Man rolls to Victory.

Yes, Miss Elizabeth is in his corner.

Macho Man Advances.

That completes the first two regions of this winner take all “Best Gimmick Ever” Tournament.

Here is how each of the first two brackets have played out.

Bracket A
Bracket B

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Best Gimmick Ever: Day 2

And we’re back with a full slate of matches on the card. (Working on my wrestling lingo.)

I’m getting great feedback on this whole idea. It appears more people care about wrestling than I actually thought. I even received hate mail for letting Diesel lose to The RepoMan.

But enough of that, lets get right in to the action.

6. Sid Justice (WWF) VERSUS 11. Issac Yankem DDS.

Talk about a classic way to kick the day off. Here we have Justice, a guy who played Shawn Michaels bodyguard and then turned on him, facing Yankem, a great character who may or may not have ever won a single match under this alias.

Yankem had Jerry “the king” Lawler in his corner while Justice was by himself.

In this match, we’ll say Justice is in his early indestructible form and tears into the dentist.

Kick to the stomach followed by a hard power bomb and the match is over.

Justice Advances

3. Mr. Perfect VERSUS 14. Fatu the Headshrinker

Mr. Perfect can honestly win this whole tournament. Does anyone remember those commercials? Full court shots, hole in ones, 100 yard passes, what a gimmick!

Fatu on the other hand, was more of a tag team wrestler and that hurt him in this one.

Perfect entered the ring, spit his gum out and smacked it right in the Headshrinker’s face, blinding him for a second.

Before you know it, the perfect plex is performed and the dream is over for Fatu.

Mr. Perfect Advances

7. Randy Savage (WCW) VERSUS 10. The Narcissist Lex Luger

This is a later, non-colorful version of Savage. The WWF version will be a much a high seed.

The Narcissist had that steal plate in his forearm that used to knock every wrestler out.

We’ll say that streak continues here as a younger, stronger Luger handles Savage easilyl

The Narcissist Advances

2. “Surfer” Sting VERSUS 15. “Rocker” Shawn Michaels

This is the more colorful version of Sting going head to head with the less colorful Michaels.

Michaels carried his tag team before turning his back on Marty Janety.

Without the “super kick” as one of his moves, Shawn is very basic while Sting is flying all over the squared circle.

The “Sharpshooter,” or “Scorpion Death lock” is applied and Michaels taps out. He’ll be back though.

Sting Advances

That marks the end of the first bracket. Early analysis shows that Hogan will be pretty tough to beat, considering he is the ultimate wrestling icon. You have to love that the RepoMan advanced. If there was ever such thing as a mid-major wrestler, he was the guy.

Check back tomorrow for the complete rundown of Brackett B.

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Best Gimmick Ever: Day 1

Welcome to the first day of the “Best Gimmick Ever” fantasy wrestling tournament. I will try and do the first round by the middle of next week, going over four-eight matches during each posting.

Rules… Things you should know… Other randomness

32 wrestlers under two different gimmicks. Two completely different names are not necessary. Example: The Sting from early WCW and the black & white Sting are eligible. The Ultimate Warrior would be an example of someone who is ineligible.

For the sake of time, we will pretend that the first round has ten minute time limits. Of course, that means you should expect time to expire on at least one of these matches.

None of the same wrestler will be in any bracket. The only possible way the same characters would face off would be in the final four or championship.

Expect more rules to be created as we move through the tournament. It’s always fun to throw twists at the audience.

Here is the first region’s bracket

And here we go….

1. Hulk Hogan (red and yellow) VERSUS 16. Virgil

The crowd exploded as “I Am a Real American” came over the sound system. As the late Gorilla Monsoon would say, Hogan has to be the odds on favorite to win the whole thing, which is why he is the number one overall seed.

Virgil, who was Ted Dibiase’s bodyguard in the nineties, was already in the ring as any jobber would be. My guess would be that he won less than ten times in his entire WWF career.

That trend continued.

Hogan finished off Virgil without ever breaking a sweat. He didn’t even have to hulk up. In fact, the bandana never even came off. Clothesline, body slam, leg drop, 1, 2, 3. ::Bell Rings::

Hogan advances.

8. Hunter Hearst Helmsley VERSUS 9. Ted Dibiase (NWO)

This isn’t a very exciting 8 vs. 9. Helmsley is in his pre-steroid body facing an over the hill Dibiase.

Neither of the two have any chance to defeat Hogan in round two but I’ll take the first appearance of an NWO member to defeat the preppy from Greenwich.

Not much to say about this one. Expect each characters’ other gimmick to perform much better.
Dibiase rolls up Helmsley, pull the tights, wins the match.

Dibiase advances

5. Diesel VERSUS 12. The RepoMan

Watch out for the 12 seeds.

Before the match, Howard Finkel has an announcement. “Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a number of automobiles broken into in the parking lot.”

Enter RepoMan.

The car thief from the motor city, a perennial jobber, surprises Diesel in this one. When referee Earl Hebner isn’t looking, Repo takes a crowbar to the big guy, knocking him out cold.

RepoMan advances

4. Brutus “the barber” Beefcake VERSUS 13. Syxx

The second NWO member in the tournament doesn’t fare nearly as well as the first. Beefcake, who is a fan favorite, locks in a sleeper hold on the greasy looking Syxx.

Back to the porn career for Syxx.

Jim Ross points out that we could be looking at a sweet 16 match up of Brutus and the Hulkster, two best friends.

Brutus advances

Check back tomorrow for more of the “Best Gimmick Ever” contest.

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The Best Gimmick Ever

Come on. Admit it. At some point in your life, you followed, maybe worshipped, wrestling.

I know; you’re embarrassed. Wrestling is like a secret fetish. You might really enjoy it, but admitting it could hurt your sex life… (Awkward)

Its okay, you are not alone. There are others who loved Hulk Hogan, or thought Bret got screwed, or hated Shawn Michaels for throwing Marty Janety through the barbershop’s window.

I always thought the best part of wrestling was the gimmicks. Unfortunately, they have kind of lost their luster. You will never see an Ultimate Warrior or Honky Tonk Man again.

The sport has been taken over by real name only guys who identify much more with pop culture. I guess that Doink the Clown and Kamala didn’t mesh well with viewers.

Anyway, I recently had my first “who would win?” conversation about wrestlers in a long time and came up with a great idea.

I decided that it might be interesting to write about a fantasy “who would win?” tournament.

So I will.

I added a little catch. The wrestler has to have had at least two different gimmicks in their career.

I picked 32 of my favorite wrestlers or the guys with best storylines making for and NCAA tournament style 64 total because they are using two different gimmicks.

In the coming days and weeks, I will be writing reports about matches I created between all of these characters.

When all is said and done, we will crown the winner as having “The Best Gimmick Ever.”

The tournament starts tomorrow. Be sure to check back.

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Simulating the Future

Quickly before I begin. The weekend in football was rather uneventful.

I was all set to write about how the Chiefs and my stud fantasy back Larry Johnson were on there way to the playoffs and then they choked a late lead away in Dallas.

I’ll save the Colts undefeated season talk for one more week.

Much like its offense, there just isn’t that much to talk about when it comes to Chicago.

Lastly, I was one of about fourteen people in the northeast watching the Falcons game tonight and just want express my thoughts on how ludicrous Michael Vick’s second quarter touchdown was. I know the “infinity goal line” rule, but I just don’t understand it.

Let me move on…

I don’t consider my self a crazy gamer by any means. I don’t own a Playstation or XBOX. When I do play console games, I use my Dreamcast from my freshman year of high school.

However, I would look to promote the game I play most. Baseball Mogul is the most entertaining simulation you will ever play.

This completely addicting game got my roommate and I through 8:00 A.M philosophy class last year. I don’t know a thing about Socrates but I can tell you that Alex Rodriguez might hit 900 homeruns by the end of his career.

My favorite thing to do with the game is to update the rosters and see how the game thinks the future will go.

I did that today. I downloaded an updated roster as of last week and then plugged in the rest of the info by hand. Every move, including the Matt Morris signing to San Francisco is in the game.

I simulated the 2006 season five times and tried to average everything out. The results were interesting to say the least.

For the sake of time, I will just give the average division winner and how the playoffs figured to go.

DISCLAIMER: The game’s statistical engine is very basic. Among other stats, Win Shares and VORP were not taken into any consideration whatsoever.

AL East: Boston Red Sox: 94-69
AL Central: Cleveland Indians: 90-72
AL West: Los Angeles Angels: 101-61
Wild Card: New York Yankees: 91-71
MVP: Manny Ramirez
CY: Bartolo Colon
ROY: BJ Upton

Interesting notes: The Devil Rays and Blue Jays both averaged over 80 wins, making the AL East a super power. Mike Lowell averaged 32 homeruns a year for the Sox. The Seattle Mariners won the AL West once, but did not finish over .500 any other season.

NL East: New York Mets: 100-62
NL Central: St. Louis Cardinals: 94-68
NL West: San Francisco Giants: 93-69
Wild Card: Chicago Cubs: 92-70
MVP: Barry Bonds
CY: Pedro Martinez
ROY: Hanley Ramirez

Interesting notes: Barry Bonds broke the homerun record. The Mets won 119 games in one of the seasons.

Playoffs
ALDS: LAA over NYY 3-1, BOS over CLE 3-2
ALCS: LAA over BOS 4-2

NLDS: NYM over CHI 3-0, SFG over STL 3-2
NLCS: SFG over NYM 4-3

World Series: SFG over LAA 4-1

A rematch of the boring, terribly low rated 2002 World Series scares the hell out of me.

Let’s hope this was just a game.

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Random Rumblings 12/12

• Was anyone rooting hard for Texas’ quarterback Vince Young to win the Heisman? Neither was I. But it’s always fun to see the PAC 10 get screwed.
  
• Which brings me to my next point. If there was no ESPN, Young or Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn probably would have won the award.
  
• The reason: Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that the left coast exists only via tivo/highlights. I would guess that most voters only saw Bush play live three or four times.
  
• Can’t get enough of Reggie? ESPN couldn’t either as blogcritics.org sports editor Matt Sussman wrote in his humorous depiction of Saturday night’s Sports Center.
  
• One last comment on Bush: A friend of mine pointed out that he seems to be the same type of runner that 1994 Heisman winner Rashaan Salaam was. For every “expert’s” sake, let’s hope not.
  
• What a difference a week makes. The San Diego Chargers have gone from AFC title contender to probably needing to win three in a row just to make the playoffs.
  
• Herm Edwards just can’t catch a break. With his whole team seemingly injured, the coach watched as the New York Jets played themselves out of the Reggie Bush sweepstakes by pounding the Oakland Raiders at home.
  
• You think my article about hating Duke could have come at a worse time? The Blue Devils manhandled Texas this weekend. Don’t get too crazy Duke fans. Texas isn’t nearly as good as their ranking.
  
• I’m thrilled that I picked Memphis to win the national championship. Even if they don’t win it all, they are the most exciting team in the country and watching them score 90 every night should be entertaining.
  
• Manny Ramirez still hasn’t been traded. The one deal that I still like would have Manny going to Anaheim for Orlando Cabrera, Darin Erstad and prospects. The Angels are rich in minor league talent and if the Red Sox could get SS Brandon Wood and 1B Kendry Morales in the deal, they might be able to ship them along with Andy Marte to Florida for Miguel Cabrera.
  
• ESPN’s Steve Rosenbloom wrote a very nice piece on World Series of Poker runner up Steve Dannenmann. Dannenmann was portrayed by ESPN as your everyday average Joe, and according to this column, he intends to stay that way.
  
• Another story on Dannenman: On Christmas Eve, ESPN will televise the tournament of champions and rumor is that he gets into a pretty big argument with Phil Helmuth. The TOC will be from 1-4 EST and from what I’ve heard; it will be the most entertaining of any poker even ESPN has ever shown.

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Thanking Jimmy V

I was in New York for the Jimmy V Classic to benefit cancer research tonight and got to see two excellent games.

In retrospect, the games meant very little.

More important was the message millions receive each and every year from the event.

“Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”

It’s been said a million times by a million different people. Almost everyone knows someone that has been affected by this terrible disease. If you don’t, sadly, you will. One in every two men and one in every three women will get some form of cancer in their lifetime.

It’s just shocking, isn’t it? Read the above paragraph again. Think about it. In the time it takes you to read this posting, two more Americans will have died of cancer.

There is reason for hope however. The V Foundation has raised over 50 million dollars to help cancer research. I have no doubt that coach Valvano’s dream will one day be realized: There will be a cure.

The most touching moment of the games came at half time of the Kansas/St Joseph’s match-up when the infamous 1993 ESPY speech Valvano gave was replayed.

His words were so uplifting, so moving. To think that a man who knew he was close to dieing could say such inspiring things.

Here’s thanks to an amazing person.

You can read the full speech at http://jimmyv.org/rememberingjim/espy.cfm

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